This album though: ~how i'm feeling~ by Lauv

This made me feel better, in spite how depressing the song titles look.

(Originally written on April 2020)

On this faithful afternoon, in April,  I decided to listen to Lauv's "~how i'm feeling`" album. 

I wanted to VENT OUT some 'feelings.' They were particularly strong this afternoon. Then I realized this was all coming from the fact, that I will be turning 30 this year. I wouldn't say it's panic, though there were some cold sweating involved and "my-whole-life-flashing-before-my-eyes" kind of scenario. So maybe it is. I was basically having a moment, a crisis. I'm turning 30 in less than 5 months and I still haven't  done EVERYTHING!😱😱. I may be exaggerating but this is how I want to remember myself, as I turned 30 in 2020:))

I was demanding for a more accomplished "me." Something 'bongga',  something with fireworks! Then, I started questioning myself, what have I really done in my life? I mean seriously what?! I lost my self for a while in this process, feelings of failure began to rise---it was swelling, rising above me like huge bubble.

THEN, I thought about what really bothered me that afternoon. I regret not ever having been in a serious romantic relationship. Or in other words, no boyfriend, since birth (Certified: NBSB).

I was trying to admit it to myself, more loudly and it did not feel good. I suddenly felt sickeningly lonely, more lonely, than ever. I don't want to feel lonely, it's horrible. But most of the time I love it. I enjoy not spending every waking moment of my life on social media or PM-ing my friends, everytime a notification comes up (I turned most of those off anyway). I like to compartmentalize and give my social life a 'right time.' It's not so much as a schedule but I try not to empty my social-tank on one go. I find that too exhausting. 'Cause if that happens I'd have to take a long break of not talking to anyone, and that does not bode well with your loved-ones. That's not a good friend or a good person in any relationship. Bottom-line, I like having time for myself. I'm mostly, fairly, comfortable being by myself. 

Except for some occasions like this afternoon. lol.

So yeah, I feel weird when I feel lonely because I enjoy so much 'alone time' anyway. I guess it goes to show how much I still need 'people' or I can't really live on 'alone time' alone? If that makes sense haha!

Also, I don't like feeling lonely because I truly believe I am betraying God and His divine plan for me. I just hurt him when I try to get on ahead with MY PLAN. This might make me happy, for a time, but not in the way that He intended it. So, it's such a conflicting feeling for me.

In the end, the off-shoot was music---I related to the song titles, I wanted to feel the loneliness itself because it might be the best way, at the time, to go through with it. And I think I made the right decision. It allowed me to go through this crisis with a bit more positivity, dance, and all-in-all good music. I sort of enjoyed the loneliness again. It allowed me to wallow and celebrate in the loneliness. At least, this way, it didn't feel that I got stuck.

It's amazing how something so wretched can turn out to be a party.

I thank Lauv and music, and the God that allowed music to exist in this world.

Party on, Garth, party on!